Growth is Hard
In April I felt that I was on the top of the world. I felt that everything I was working towards was coming together and that I was finally becoming the person I always wanted to be. However when May came around with school picking up and me pushing myself to enter unfamiliar territory, I came to realize how many holes I still had left to fill. This was difficult for me, as it not only affected my mental health but also my physical health. I was intoxicated by the negative aspects of myself and was paralyzed as I never thought I would deal with feelings again.
What didn’t help was my school work slowing down and my extracurricular activities ending for the year, so I didn’t have any distractions to hide behind. I was so bored and started obsessing over things that I couldn’t control. I rabbit holed and researched how to fix these feelings and how to feel better. I think what made it worse was that the identity that I created for myself in April, of being so happy and so confident with myself, was being threatened by the situations I was dealing with in the present. I felt so weak and so frustrated that I couldn’t fix myself and control what I was feeling.
I think what really helped me was realizing that this is a normal part of life and growth. We can only go higher if we’re okay with being lower. The only way we can push ourselves to be better is being thrown into situations that challenge who we are. These moments allow us to question ourselves, our life, and our path. We can see if what we have been doing has been working or if we need some time off to rethink and recalibrate our path. However it does suck and it does hurt. Finding out that you’re not enough for the problems you are currently facing, stings. And that is okay, in order to heal we need to feel. We need to push away toxic positivity and admit to ourselves that we are not okay and we don’t feel great. Shaming ourselves and telling ourselves we shouldn’t feel a certain way will only hinder our progress in reaching where we want to be.
What I want to do now is to accept what I am feeling and be okay with it. If I am sad I will be okay with and feel sad. If I am happy I will try to be as happy as possible. I will no longer try to invalidate my feelings and tell myself I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I will be more forgiving to myself and be the support I need to let myself heal and become a better person.