YOLF
Color is quite interesting that is has such a prominent effect on our lives. What is your relationship with color?
I am conflicted on whether it is better as a man for me to embrace color or let go of color in honor of grayscale and maturity. I am wondering if I can achieve grayscale mentality with a colorful embrace. Or should I take on the shadows and have color solely expressed through my objects. I think my obsession with grayscale has only conflicted with my curiosity for color.
I want to be perceived one way but struggle to do so. This stems from me thinking of myself as not enough to get what I want. I am not sure if I am enough or if I still have a long ways to go. Many people have certain beliefs about me based on my outwards appearance which do surprise me. However they always assume me to be better than I think I am. I don’t know if this is because they are correct or if I just see myself in a limiting light. I thank all the people that have gassed me up and have passed on words of encouragement. Without this I would not be here today. I believe I have went through change but have not personally acknowledged it yet. Sometimes I operate as a past version of myself, holding onto fears and anxieties that do not serve me anymore. Although I have worked hard changing my outwards appearance, I haven’t done the respective inner work to catch up. The most important work is the inner work, as this dictates everything about you and your life. Just like we have old clothes that do not spark joy we must also let go of beliefs that don’t spark joy. These beliefs induce feelings that are familiar and a part of me doesn’t want to let it go. But I realized that growing up is letting go of old beliefs and being okay with not feeling them anymore. I don’t need anxiety anymore, I don’t need timidness anymore, I don’t need fear anymore. These feelings which I used to hold on to so dearly must be finally set to die and slowly fade away in order for me to embrace new feelings of confidence, assertiveness, and a passion for life.
What is the real me? What is the difference between what I think I am and what I think society thinks I should be? All in all they are both the same belief: my belief. My belief: what I believe society believes is still my belief. We carry many limiting factors thinking they are real factors but just simply our own limitations. I tend to put myself in a box. I am not sure if it’s because of fear and laziness or is it because my current reality is my deepest desire. The reason we don’t change is because we don’t want to change. We have to really ask ourselves do we want to change or do we like the idea of change? There is a certain comfort in my current lifestyle that I am used to. I am struggling between letting this comfort go and dealing with the emptiness that arises. I need to face this emptiness and fill it with a positive thinking. Transitioning to a new lifestyle will always be difficult and we have to get through that initial rough patch. This rough patch is the do or die, if we fail we relapse into our bad habits, if we succeed we are born a new man.
In order to change me must have faith. Faith in a better future. We have to believe that the change we are putting in today will reap the fruits eventually. Because we only have control over our actions, not the fruits. We can only plant seeds, water them, and take care of them but we can never guarantee fruit. We can only try out best and this is where fulfillment comes from; when we try our best everyday to get to where we want to go. I have not been trying my best I have only been trying the minimum. This lack of effort leaks into other areas of life making you unable to do simple tasks. These undone chores leak over to a messy hectic environment and it seems overwhelming. This is because I have chosen comfort over challenge.
Thus I have journaled and reflected quite heavily on my new challenge and what I will focus on as well. A new passion for life has risen but this times it looks different. Crazy how when time passes and we grow, we can change so much. Looking back at my vision board for 2022 is quite different then the one for 2023, and I like it. It feels right the new me and the new goals feel right. I feel like I have gotten closer to what the current me wants. So this year I think I will explore both color and grayscale and how see i can utilize both to create my new world.
Favorites of the Week:
Music:
So!YoON! - Smoke Sprite (feat. RM of BTS)
Don Toliver - Private Landing (feat. Future & JB)
Hobbies:
Been playing Golf with Eshaan recently, its been super fun, and excited to run more games!
Thank you for reading, let's grow together :)